I have been struggling physically the last couple of days… BOOM and i have no idea where it is coming from. The nausea has reached a zenith, or is it a nadir? Holy Moley, I get the slightest bit of a gag reflex and i am heaving. Nothing comes up, but this retching, heaving forward of my guts.. and tears are streaming from eyes, my nose drips tears, I am choking… I feel as if I am losing my orientation, my balance.

Also new: i wake in terror as i cannot get a breath from the overflow, it feels as if i am drowning in my phlegm. And i don’t get why, because many thing as are improving. I am talking more and more every day. I can taste bits of things here and there. My throat is healing and yet something else is going on… I seem to be more acutely aware of the pain that is there. Maybe because i am healing and therefore I am pushing the envelope more and more of what i can do.

(Tony and I saw the swallowing pathologist on Monday and she was pleased with my progress. She gave more exercises to work on.)

Back to the terrorizing drowning sensation… i wake frantic because i cannot breathe and i have to take a second to get my bearings, realize what is happening and cough up the excess phlegm. This happens two – three times a night: each time is a brand new terror (which is in itself is particularly scary.)

NOw because of new events one and two, I am also left with stray bits of time… i am awake, but exhausted or trying to gather a grip… so random thoughts  come to me… a recent one, I am going to try to share something new and somewhat random with you for the time being anyway, until i don’t feel like it anymore or until i am sleeping better.

I saw a blog named an intriguing name for me.. “I Speak Melsh” written by someone named Mel, which made me think of my Melly, but is not actually my Decomom. She posted a challenge to find the eighth photo in the eighth folder on your computer. This little netbook of mine is running Windows 7 and I am techno challenged enough that things are filed all over the place on it. It took me forever to figure what qualified as the eighth folder on my computer. No photos in that folder. So i decided to go to my photos drive and choose eighth folder on it, like i said i have trouble organizing on Windows 7… that was a software folder (extract now, an awesome little utility, which i give a giant thumbs up.) So i decided i would closed my eyes and let my

mouse choose the folder.  TA-DA! the eighth folder was the photos taken in Winnipeg when i was being fitted for wigs. Katherine vetoed this wig… ah, a fantasy to be curly. Since that photo was taken i lost nearly all my hair and some has started growing back.

and today, a bonus something new… another site i enjoy from time to time Zen Habits. I recently read there habits one and two  of greater creativity… 1) Solitude and 2) are you ready? wait for it… wait for it…Participation. Again, simple truth… i am really loving the simple truths all around. (And thanks so much for the quotes… all the quotes were truth, all were simple to grasp…my favorite award goes to Melly for the quote from that really great film Shawshank Redemption “Get busy living, or get busy dying.” )

COme back tomorrow when i hope to have more (possibly) new and (probably) random bits for you, and always affection.

Tags: computer, creativity, Film, illness, quotes, random, swallowing, zen

This entry was posted on Friday, June 4th, 2010 at 4:08 pm and is filed under Figuring Out this Blog, Film. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.