Last night we celebrated Katherine’s birthday. My mother and I had been watching the food network together last week and Anna Olson made a turkey scaloppini dinner which we re-created last night except for the dessert. Hannah made a cake worthy of Ultimate Cake Off. She made a drawing of her design and then with some sisterly direction in the math (we had to figure out cups of batter) she made six loaves of various sizes, and two flavours. She rolled out fondant with a pasta maker, cut out circles and rectangles, air brushed them with color…. well needless to say, i am bursting with pride. Both the chocolate and the vanilla layers were delicious… I made the buttercream for her. (it was good too )

Th menu had a citrus twist to it, so Emily created, ala Sandra Lee of Semi-Homemade, a citrusy tablescape.

Here is a link to the recipes (actually to the salad recipe but the other recipe links are there,) our menu included turkey cutlets breaded with fresh thyme and crackers (slightly different from Anna’s recipe,) smashed red potatoes with homemade creme fraiche, haricorts verts in a grapefruit and orange sauce, and a salad with brie and toasted baguette on the side.

After dinner and cake,

we opened presents. (this present is from Melinda, Earl and Hannah…. justin morneau, a Canadian, plays for Katherine’s team, and she received from friends at school the t-shirt with his number.)

Then we watched a DVD slideshow from my Auntie Claire’s birthday bash in 2007. This is my mother’s older sister. We would pause the DVD and my mom would tell stories of all the people in the photos. We re-told the famous cousin Brian biting me in the stomach story and his being my invisible friend in Germany. (I was a toddler and would tell German people on busses not to sit on him… he was actually living in Hawaii with his parents at the time, but I apparently brought him with me to Germany.)

After the DVD, Katherine, Hannah and my mother researched, on google, the meanings of the Japanese names. Hannah began begging me for a Japanese name… hence her new name on facebook… Hannah Michelle Yasuko… peaceful child. Which is fitting for her most of the time, and also the middle name of a much beloved late aunt of mine…. my mother’s youngest sister… Helen Yasuko Sham.

My mother also sang some old lullabies… Japanese and German. The German ones she had sung to me when I was small while we were living in Germany and my father was stationed there.  She and I both sang these songs to the girls when they were small. We could not remember though we tried for some time the one about a little black sheep. Mary, in particular, used to climb into my mother’s lap, wrap her pudgy arms around my mother\s neck, and whisper in her ear…. “schwarz schaf, schwarz schaf,” (black sheep, black sheep) to request it.

Mary called later for a nightly good night with Hannah, and told us that her 48 Hour Film Project entry won “Best in Show.” I recounted some of the evening to Mary who then told me she had renewed the search for fukigen, a Japanese pickle i could easily become addicted to.

Anyway, hearing Japanese roll off their tongues so easily was pleasing to me.

Currently, we are praying that i fight off a cold threatening to be, I have been having a difficult time with diarrhea, vomiting and sores. HOWEVER, the doctor visit on Wednesday was with my “pain” doctor… I inherited him from the November hospital stay initially to handle the pain the tumor was causing… now  my pain needs are much lessened so he has recalculated the medications, so I am taking less intense Rx for the pain, but he also added Rx for the sores, and some other complaints of mine. He was warm and encouraging. He gave a Rx for a “nail polish” like substance that I paint on the opening cracks on my hands and feet…. medication goes into the crack and forms a seal over the top. smelly, but cool….

Time to rest more, there are more photos i hope we have a gallery to share soon…. click on the gallery link and you can go to my incomplete photo a day album, and nag Katherine for the link to hers, it is more complete and in my mind, wonderful… presently, it is snowing, so I am somewhat of a peaceful child myself…

Today is katherines birthday! shes 19 which means shes actually an adult now, which i know shes gonna rub in my face. Whats there to say about Katherine that isnt obvious? Shes actually pretty wierd sometimes, which is nice to see! Shes a fairly good cook and she likes watching tv series on her computer.  Her favorite color combination is green and purple. She’s never dyed her hair. She loves Relient K. She has a fairly clean car. That’s it basically. There are more obvious ones! She L-O-V-E-S her family (me, the most of course), and she cares about her friends. She loves Jesus too. She does her best at lots of things and tries to be the best. She’s smart and has nice hair. She helps so much its not even funny. She comes every weekend she can to take care of mommy. Katherine’s gonna be a good mom. (if she lets her kids finish the Little Mermaid in peace). I love katherine. love, Emily

*** plus a first words from the sponsor. I woke the Monday morning of Feb 4th 1991 with a 9AM appt that I was sure was going to bring me another afternoon  baby…. she didn’t come until 11:55 AM (edited portion, yes PM, I meant to type that, i had not forgotten, just another chemo fog typo)…I didnt particularly want her born that day as it would mean sharing it with her grandmother and I thought everybody should have their own day,) but at 9 AM I wanted her big, chunky baby-self out. Well Baby Huey didnt come until the end of the day to show me she would do it her way always…. she turned out to be a birthday sharing loving kinda girl …and over the years we all loved that she shared the day with her Omi, who has passed on great elegance and finesse  to Katherine… I saw all of Katherine’s family in her every day…

Dana just drove away with Melinda and Emily (Emily to cheerleading) Melinda to the airport. sniff sniff…  the hard tough days of post-chemo have arrived so I will try to capture these wonderful days with Melinda … soon. plus report from a fantastic appt with doctor yesterday…. plus a graphic recount of what is happening to me lately… BUT for now it is about our Katherine… a superstar… biggest baby i gave birth to…. gentle sweet delicate Katherine…. uh I am fighting the temptation to tell a  story… maybe later when i can word it delicately.

Last night Melinda led her sisters in a creative exploration… they baked brownies (Rose did this) cupcakes, made the ultra rich fabulous Martha Stewart Swiss Meringue Buttercream… and assembled these beauties..

Hannah didn’t want to add the “mustard” because she doesn’t like mustard on her burgers…. we tried to point out it was more of the delicious icing she would eat by the bowlful if we let her… but her reasoning doesn’t go there…

in getting the cupcake photos off my camera, i discovered what those guys did while Tony and I were in Winnipeg, it involved alot of jumping on furniture, and posing with my linens. YIKES! to think i thought they were at home watching “Bones.” (we are currently taking a brief Bones hiatus and watching NCIS)

in the cancer department (or rather the chemo dept)… I am fatigued, have some nausea, and pesky sores that appear without warning on my skin…  cracks in my feet and hands that can be painful. Melinda is quite attentive, as are others, and this morning after driving EmmyG for cheerleading she made me a tea before slipping into bed again. Right now, she is doing work work from California thru a vpn or some fancy techie thingee.

Read again in the night on radiation therapy, and it staggers me a bit thinking we have a long road ahead of us, but every time i am able to swallow 4 pills at once, or yawn without pain, I know we are making progress.

I dreamt of Caroline last night, Angie… she was running free as a butterfly, almost being carried by the wind, yet she had perfect control of where she went… a moment of effortless living, radiating brilliant joy. I woke and prayed for her health again. Keep us posted. (nothing in the dream about you or mark sleeping though, )

I have not read diligently blogs in awhile, my mind loses focus, BUT nothing stops me from praying for all of you… without ceasing… that and the photos above make for a life i celebrate.

I am sitting in a darkened room, with only the computer monitor for light (so you might want to expect more than my usual # of typos,) Tony is sleeping (pray for him, he is doing this week with a nasty cold.) I have just finished re-reading the email we sent, and return emails, and facebook stuffins… this after an emotional phone call with Hannah… and praying in the dark for friends, family and people I have never met.

on facebook, I had promised more of the story.. here goes:

for a point of reference, a section of our email last night:

Quite simply, there is a big development. The doctors have decided to continue with more chemotherapy. This is good news because initially the first two cycles of chemo were a trial … to see if this cancer would respond. Dr M. believes the tumor has responded well enough not only to do additional chemotherapy, but also to add radiation to the treatment plan. This is an important development because the doctors had been “saving” radiation to use after surgery. Now they are adding radiation to the chemotherapy as the two (radiation and chemotherapy) make each other more effective.

in the car, in some sort of miracle transport that God arranged (more on that below) I cried, off an on, from Kenora to Winnipeg… I was reading my Bible and doing homework from the Believing God study…

and in spite of that, I took my eyes off of Jesus and His promises, and fixed them firmly on me. I had been struggling with the itchy scalp that comes from a half-empty head of hair (no, at this moment i was not a half-full sort of person.) And my pain had returned a wee bit more than usual the night before. 

And… (“fixing your eyes on yourself generally brings a series of  “ands.” ) and, starting thinking what if we are all imagining the progress we thought was there. 

And the landscape was breathtakingly beautiful and fierce..and I wanted to see this landscape in the summer, and in the fall…  and what if i couldnt… and I wanted to watch Hannah become more of a cake decorating artist, and see the school yearbook she is a part of (YAY she made the TEAM!) and I wanted to see Mary’s first film out of school.  And I wanted to see Joel become the man I am privileged enough to catch glimpses of, and I wanted to go to Ireland, and I wanted to learn more of heaven before I get there, and I wanted to watch Emily jump high, and hear more of her questions as she explores the world. And I wanted to finish TAW with Melly, and and i wanted to sit in Angie’s living room with Caroline on my lap and wanted to meet that girl/woman coming into Angie’s (Edison’s) life that I have been praying for such a long time.

oh so many things… tears of fear, yet many of awe…. you cannot imagine the darkening sky,, the blinding white  wall of snow, raging wind, the rugged rock cuts, and later, the vast prairie..  The awe overcoming the fear… God was there, all about.

flash forward to Tuesday at the clinic…

we met with the doctor, and once again feeling I really didn’t want to give him up as a doctor, and yet prepared to give him and his team up because Tony and I really felt the Wpg trips were hard on everyone, (financial, his work schedule, the eight hour drive after chemo, the kids (all of them.) But i didn’t mention this to the doctor, we were focused on the exam and he had to change my chemo order because i had lost so weight (this is not a simple thing because the pharmacy has to re-do all the packets.)

a few hours into the chemo, the doctor’s assistant, Megan came  to talk to us with the news that there had been a discussion with some other doctors and the decision was made to continue with the chemo. Wow, that was big considering that initially removal of 75% of my tongue was the direction we were headed.

and I tearfully asked her, is this based on my impression that things had improved? what if I was wrong, mis-guided, deluded, crazy insane? She smiled so tenderly, squatted down and  took my hand… her answer, “no, Dr M would not base this decision on your impressions alone.”

I had asked God that the doctors would affirm our hopes…

I had not asked God to let me keep Dr M and the team and , move the treatment to Thunder Bay…. nor had I asked God that Dr R (know to blog-readers as TBO Thunder Bay oncologist) be more involved in the treatment.

But I received those unspoken desires of my heart… Megan said that Dr M and Dr R had been discussing the case, and that Dr M would continue to oversee my case.

Back to the post title… we began our trip on Sunday hoping to make a Monday morning appointment with Dr M. we had barely left Thunder Bay when we saw the first of seven vehicles off the road due to weather. We were driving into a blizzard that was more than likely moving east.  Once in Dryden, we decided to stay the night. The stretch of road just ahead of us, wondrously beautiful with the rock cut and many many lakes, is dangerous in the best of times, due to curves on the two lane highway with little lighting and many transport trucks and   the snow was coming down thicker. It was now dark and staying the night with Tammy and Morley was the obvious decision. The next morning, we spoke to Lisa (who works for CAA,) and receiving frequent travel condition updates and she (and her boss) were cautioning us about travel. Tony and I spoke to the Manitoba clinic, we went back and forth in discussing the options… and finally decided to proceed cautiously.

The drive, already described above was stunning, snow covered roads, trees covered with a thick white coating. There was no blizzard to be seen. The sun was forcing its way through clouds. I managed to capture some amazing photos. We had a delicious lunch in Kenora. I told Tony I was thinking of it as a mini- getaway for us. Leaving Kenora, the whole hair-loss fear thing began to overcome me.

Here also the road conditions began to deteriorate. In Manitoba, the highway divided and the speed limit increased to 100 km/hr. The skies were clear and we were thinking we might have clear sailing/ driving. Then we felt the car begin to move horizontally. Tony was thinking the road looked like it was covered with ice in patches. He said, “I want to know what kind of road I am driving on.” He pulled over to get out of the car and actually stand on the road to”feel” what we were driving on. Indeed, ice.

The other lane available to us for driving was thick with snow, the wind began to rage over the prairies with little to no wind breaks from trees. Tony drove at 50 km/hr.

two things about driving on ice…  Firstly, if you don’t have to stop or turn, you will be fine for the most part. When you turn (possibly to avoid a disabled vehicle or giant moose type animal)  or have to slow down, your car is no longer gripping the road. You have lost control of the vehicle. Sliding off the road into a ditch, into  another vehicle all become likely.

Another thing about ice driving, when driving over open water on an ice road, you have to know the thickness of the ice the entire way.

The landscape changes in Manitoba, soon you are in the praries, and the road is straight for miles. You might be tempted to drive at lightening speeds, pass the slower vehicle. Tony was not deceived by that; he had tested the road himself with his feet and hands. If we had had to slow down or swerve around some object unexpectedly, Tony improved our chances by his much reduced speed.

We were not driving over open water… we were driving on very thick highway. Tony mentioned Hudson Taylor’s quote:  “It’s not a great faith we need, but faith in a great God.”

The ice might have been thin, but the road was not, nor was there an icy lake beneath us. My faith might have been small regarding my progress, but the God who makes my faith possible, well, HE is HUGE. As i was quavering in my faith, He was surrounding me with a fierce-some landscape and His rugged, unfailing character. He is not a tame little God. He is mighty to save.

and that is the place to close… Tony is awake now and making juice for me, (this is a long post, lol,) Lisa and Marion are making pancakes and bacon, i have a little naseau and a slight headache, but overall feeling pumped, energetic, Chemo is  @ 2 (CT) today. Mary is driving in to see us today.

All of your notes, emails, prayers… your love and God the Father, God the Son, God the Holy Spirit bends low to love us relentlessly like the winds on the Manitoba praries.

Tony and I are off to Winnipeg for another round of chemo…. and I am somewhat of a mess about it… i really don’t want to do it… Hannah is singing “God is Bigger than the Boogieman”…. and that reminds God is bigger than chemo, or cancer, or hair falling out, all of it…. how cool is that!?!

God is bigger than the boogie man
He’s bigger than Godzilla, or the monsters on TV
Oh, God is bigger than the boogie man
And He’s watching out for you and me.

you might want to scroll down and turn off the sound from the hat slideshow, or that is all you will hear in your head, lol

Hannah did this… she baked the cupcakes, and made the sugar daisies…  her very first effort…  pretty cool, eh?

and I am doing the Art Caravan at SBG…. and this is my cover….